Some times it hurts to look back

I have been re-watching seasons 3 and 4 of Sex and the City. I'm watching these episodes to refresh my memory about the various stories as the Sex and the City movie follows on from what previously happened in the television series.

I have forgotten many of the stories. I have even forgotten how much it focused on love and heartbreak. At times it wasn't very pleasant watching those stories unfold as it only reminded me about my own relationships. It has also spurred me to go through some of the things I've kept; "relics" from my relationships. It was a bad idea. I should not have been tempted to look back.

It is never easy to let go. As I re-read old letters, I am brought back to the times when the sweetness of love overpowered reason. I doubt I will ever forget those moments. Perhaps one day soon, but right now I will just have to work through the pain of rehashing these memories.

Living alone

There is some beauty to living alone. Whenever it's a busy day or a day filled with tumultuous events, I like the feeling of opening my front door, dropping my keys on the ledge beside the wall and know that I can do whatever I want once I close the door behind me. It is a sanctuary to return to. I don't have to worry about grabbing dinner unless I really want to, or having to find a TV channel that is agreeable to others. I can walk about in my underwear and it's OK. I can just be me.

I'm not denying that it can be lonely at times, but I'm talking about these moments where you just want to do whatever you fancy and not have to consider others... It can be quite magical every now and then. And, there are the times when I'm simply grateful for the privacy of crying alone in my own space. That's all.

Bent double

Am now at mom's getting pampered cause I've got a case of bad back. For the past year, I have had pain in my lower back - well, not always, but I've had episodes peppered throughout the year. The ache has been pretty consistent the past couple of weeks though, and my back's pretty stiff. I have difficulty bending down to pick up any thing at and below knee level. I can't even bend to wear jeans. I've had to wear skirts over my head instead. So, early this week, I decided to organize and beg my way through an appointment with a popular orthopedic. I lucked out. Apparently someone cancelled an appointment, so nurse managed to squeeze me in for the today.

The wait was excruciating. I had to wait to get a wait number. I waited another 90 minutes before I saw the specialist's assistant. Luckily, I got ushered to see doc immediately after that. Then, I had to wait to make my payment. It didn't end there. I had to go to radiology and wait to make an MRI appointment, and then return to the doc's clinic to make a follow-up appointment. I finally got out after three-odd hours at the hospital. Phew.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I have very flexible ligaments which means that as I get older, there won't be enough "texture and rigidity" in my ligaments to support my bones and joints. So it is highly possible (because of this hereditary "ailment") that my back bone is pressing against my spinal disk. There is also the possibility of a slipped disk, which is some thing I don't really want to think about at this moment. Am a little scared cause I'll be doing my MRI soon and we'll know what it is then. Of course, silly me, I bought a four-inch pair of sexy heels just last week... Ermm, I doubt I'll be wearing that any time soon.

Some things are just better done face to face

I have just returned from a James Blunt concert. I don't think I've been this enthusiastic about anything for a long time. And when I say a long time, I mean a long time. I don't think I've leaped with such enthusiasm since 1997 when I first heard Coldplay play in London under a different name. They were my school band! Someone asked someone to ask people to go to this gig and well, I don't need to go into further detail how fantastic they are.

My love for James Blunt is a little different though.... I love Coldplay live and their records are simply sublime. Before this concert, I have listened to James Blunt records (both of them), and while I love his melodies, his harmonies and his chord progressions, I've found the songs and its performance kind of flat. There was no "it" factor. Tonight though, he took my breath away. He is a live performer. There is that rawness in his voice, and he uses less of his falsetto. He sings every bit of emotion, every feeling out of those songs. Before tonight, I hated "Goodbye My Lover". It grated on my nerves... But just sitting there, listening to him play on the piano without any accompaniment from his band... Listening to his voice catching and breaking over the words.... I had to discreetly wipe my tears away. And, those rock ballads that I liked, he did it even better. His interaction with the band, with the audience was awesome. He expanded on some songs, adding verses and instrumental passages befitting of a performance at a stadium. I rocked and swayed with my newly acquainted friends. Thank you MH for inviting me to join you and your music loving friends. It was truly enjoyable to be able to experience an inspiring performance with people who truly appreciate it.

I'm hesitant to listen to James Blunt's records for the moment. I don't want to take anything away from tonight. Some things are better done live. Some things are just better done face to face.

Engineering dates

We had a laugh this evening at all our lousy techniques and attempts to lure a girl/girl unto a date.

I confess to pretending to ask a guy out to watch a movie on the pretext that my friend had urgent matters to attend to and I didn't want to waste the ticket. Of course, in the modern age of internet online booking of tickets, this is an easy task. You could check if there are any tickets to the movie first and when the guy says yes, click and buy those tickets. If the guy isn't free, well, there's nothing to it but a bruised ego. Apparently this is an OLD trick. My friend tried that half a lifetime ago on a girl. Alas, it was pre-internet booking and those tickets he said he had, he didn't, and it was a sell out movie. Golly, I admire his bravery in admitting his lie. I know if it were me, I would have just stood the person up and then the next day tell her that I had been waiting at this other cinema the entire time. (It was pre-mobile phone days too, so much easier to get away with this kind of lie...heh...).

This got us talking about dating in general. I have never had a relationship with anyone I had a crush on. My previous boyfriends were friends who suddenly fell into the boyfriend category. I told them I don't remember ever having a guy "chase" me after newly knowing me. Of course I've been romanced. But it comes about after being good friends for a while, followed by the sudden realization that it could be some thing more.

While taking a shower just 10 mins ago I remembered RM, the Shangri-la scholar! I met him during the period when I was at music school in Guildford. He was studying hotel management at the affiliated University nearby. After that one meeting - I was attending one of the few gatherings for Singapore students in Guildford - he would turn up at my dorm every day. There would be the take-outs he would buy for me, although I told him not to. I just wasn't into him. The more he went on about having the means to take care of me, the more put off I became. And he did all these things without ever once asking me whether I wanted it or liked it. The last straw was when I was in London spending time with my brother, he called to tell me that he had bought tickets for Starlight Express and that I was to go watch it with him. I was like, hello?? I simply stood him up. My last encounter with him was his voice message telling me that he enjoyed the musical by himself. I never heard from him again. That's as close as I got to someone "chasing" me.