Restless

I've been feeling very restless this past week. Twiddling fingers and tapping my feet, as if I'm waiting for some thing to happen. It's completely weirding me out because I'm not expecting anything to happen. So why all this impatience?

I've also been watching too many crappy, ridiculous sappy romantic comedies/tragedies on TV lately. 27 dresses, Must love dogs, Catch and release, In her shoes, Atonement, Becoming Jane etc... What do I hope to achieve with all that? It's like watching natural disasters or train wrecks in the news. I am knowingly jaded and rolling my eyes at the portrayals of "love" in the entertainment industry (and would rather not subject myself to this rubbish), yet I am unable to a advert my eyes and I'm glued to the set.

Perhaps I'm restless because I'm trying to fathom where Hollywood gets its inspiration from. I think I am secretly hoping that I would eventually experience such naive and youthful notions of love. Maybe, just maybe.

Some thing to hold fast to

What is good has been explained to you, man;
this is what Yahweh asks of you:
only this, to act justly,
to love tenderly
and to walk humbly with your God.

- Micah 6:8

A reading for today that means a whole world to me.

Can't participate for lack of experience

Being in my thirties also mean the bulk of my friends are in their thirties. Thirties is a decade when folks settle down and have children. Just the last couple of years, all but a handful few of my friends have gotten married. I have three weddings to participate in this year, and this afternoon I got a call from an old friend who gave me news of the birth of his son. I was surprised and happy but could only manage a "Congrats!". I didn't know what else to say and we ended to conversation a little awkwardly.

This got me thinking about my reaction. Was my lack of joyous participation due to the fact that I was envious of their situations? Or was there some thing more behind my apathy? I first addressed any jealousy I could possibly be feeling. In reality, if they're my friends (I don't have many I consider real friends), I couldn't ever be jealous of them. Sure, acquaintances, yes. Especially those I think completely unworthy (not that they are, but I just feel that way. Bad of me. But anyway.). But with my friends, that's not the sensation I get when I hear the good news. If anything, the only thought that goes through my head is "Darn, she's not going to be able to be there for me if I catch sight of a monstrous cockroach flying about my apartment". Haha. So why my lack of enthusiasm on hearing the news?

I blame it on the lack of experience. I remember when I was 24 and it was new year's eve. My girlfriend got proposed to at the party and all of us didn't know how to react. I mean, it wasn't unexpected but she was the first and I think the poor girl didn't understand why we weren't jumping for joy the way she was doing. Over the years, as each girl got engaged, the enthusiasm increased. I noticed that the most recent one was fuelled by all those married girls. She was joining their ranks and they were welcoming them into the party. It is the same for baby announcements. No one knew how to respond to the birth of the first child amongst our group, but as the ranks swelled, the kids parties got larger and it became the norm versus some thing novel.

I am so very happy for my dear friends who have settled down and started families. While I have the sweetest niece and a loving nephew, it cannot substitute the experience of truly living with a man and having your own children. I am beginning to feel afraid that my lack of experience means that I am no longer on the same wavelength as my friends. And, it's starting to show. Can I do anything about it? I will do all I can to participate (save wearing a saree for a friend's wedding) and be supportive. I hope that my lack of perspective will be overlooked or forgiven. Am I upset by this change of situations? No, not really. I have made peace with who I am. Everything happens for a reason and at the right timing. If my friendships become distant for this moment because our lives aren't in sync, so be it. Life can be short or long, an uphill battle or a speedy cruise. I will savour each moment and move on. C'est la vie!

I'm an old fashion girl

This past week has been eventful. I passed my final test for the course I was taking earlier this year. While I was contemplating taking it a step further by completing an academic degree on that subject (thus possibly beginning a whole new career far from the business world), I got a call from an executive search firm asking if I will consider going back to the workforce and joining them. It was unexpected. It was totally tempting. They are a "bulge bracket" search firm and will offer me money and prestige. I had a few sleepless nights thinking about it, but I realize that my life has moved on. Yes, I still like the idea of being called upon and even more so when it's been at least three years since I last talked to them. I am flattered they still remember me. But it's no longer me. I am no longer thrilled by the executive lifestyle that I once thought glamorous. Now, I want the time to indulge in the other aspects of life and attempt things that I may not be good at but like doing. I want to have the time to do community and charity work and to volunteer at church. I want to be able to go for an evening run in the park when the sun is still shining. I want to be able to stay up late at night without feeling guilty. All my "wants" need time and that is some thing the confines of an executive job can't give. I realize that as much as I grew up in the modern world, at the ripe age of 33, I'm an old fashion girl who does not feel the trills of the opportunities of the corporate world.

Continuing on the thread of old-fashion-ess, I will have to say upfront that I'm not OK with some of the choices my dear friend, F, has chosen with regards to relationships recently. It is not urban or modern of me to feel this way. We now live in a free society and anyone can choose to do what pleases them. I love my dear friend, but that doesn't mean that I will be in agreement with everything she does. There are things that are right and wrong in my old fashion conscience, and the hard part for me is striking a balance between understanding the choice she has made (I understand) and condoning it. It is especially hard because I don't want to push her away because of my opinions either. I remember reading a story of a dad, who drove his son away because he didn't condone his son's gambling habits. The dad regretted driving away his son, but did not regret his stance against gambling. And, he wished that instead of being so harsh, he should have worked together with his son to get rid of the gambling habit. It's not the best analogy, but I realize that it is what I have to do. I have to thread carefully and hope that some how she will come around and hold fast to her those true and time tested age old traditions. After all, there is nothing wrong with being old fashioned. If these values have lasted this long, it can't be bad.

Ever the tennis fan....

I love David versus Goliath battles. And, what better way to spend the evenings watching Zheng Jie at 5 ft 4 inches battling against 6 ft tall ladies? I'm not forgetting the sublime Ms. Justine Henin (she's in a class of her own in my humble opinion) who at 5 ft 5 quelled many a giant, but seeing the performance from China's doubles grand slam champion, I almost feel as if she's achieving the impossible.

What a sight it is to see her battling on and never giving up. I will say that she loses on pure talent, but wins on determination. And, this year's Wimbledon is a battle of wills more than anything else. How else does one explain the top seeds dropping off like flies? So, I'm going to root for Little-Miss-Zheng and hope that her desire to stick around will give her some hope against two time champ, Serena Williams. I'm also betting that Mr-Biceps-Nadal will win the Gentlemen's title unless Complete-Player-Mr-Federer seriously ups his determination and hunger. We all know he has more than enough talent to beat everyone to a pulp, but does he truly truly want it like he did in 2003? I hope so. While both men are devilishly handsome in their own way, my OCD-ness means than I have to favor the guy with shorter hair. Maybe if Nadal goes the way of Agassi in 1995 when he shaved his head, that could be the tilting point for me.... Spanish, dark, handsome, muscular guy with short hair... Gorgeous.... Heh.