Some times being alone isn't enough

I'm a loner. I consider myself a pretty introvert who tries her darnest to escape her little shell and appear sociable to various folks. But being sociable isn't me. For the majority of my adult life, I have lived alone. With the exception of ten odd months of intense cohabiting with various boyfriends, I have double bolted my apartment door each night and escaped to my lonesome sanctuary for the past fifteen years. And I like it. I like the quiet of the night, and breathing in the intoxicating sense of silence that cannot be replicated with communal living. I was given a choice four years ago when I moved back to Singapore to live in a separate wing of the house with my family or to stay out on my own. It was a no brainer then, and even now I would choose the same. There is nothing that can compare to the true freedom of not being accountable to anyone for that period in the deep of the night where I could smoke a joint, read ridiculous juvenile books, listen to depressing songs or post on this blog.

Yet, I am feeling edgy these days. I find myself all twiddly fingers, tappy feet and all. I can feel it in my bones that being alone isn't enough. Still, I delight in the exquisite pain of melancholy and then, I remember the grey skies of London and Boston and I'm strangely comforted. I have lived through those times and the friendships I had unexpectedly made then have given me the best memories. I will continue as I always have. I will make friends along the way, be as open to new situations and take pleasure in my lonesome self.

Why I've deactivated my facebook account...

... because I have absolutely no control over the photos of moi that gets posted on facebook. Especially ugly photos of me with double chins and what-nots.... While I might be kind of cruising in life and seemingly unperturbed with what's going on, at this present moment, I cannot afford bad photos of myself to be circulating within my social circle.

The best step I could take was to deactivate the account. I will wait for the moment in time when facebook wisens up to the fact that friends can post "incriminating" (well, at least for me it's ugly photos, but there is no stopping someone from posting photos of another person cheating or doing very unbecoming acts) photos of another and puts a stop to that. Seriously....

Quiet times

I'm suffering from writer's block, which can only mean one thing. My life is plain sailing. Well, that sounds almost too positive. The truth is, there is nothing seriously disturbing me at this moment (which is good), and there is nothing making me jump around for joy (which isn't a bad thing either). I'm almost beginning to think that happiness is overrated. I'm perfectly happy living a quiet life where nothing causes me major annoyance, pain or sadness. (I note that I used the word happy in the previous sentence.)

Yesterday, while I was in the mist of my volunteer work, I met a really nice man. He's German and has such a simple and polite air about him. He asked some interesting questions with regards to the work I was doing, and I couldn't help but like his quiet intelligence. He was definitely more knowledgeable than I was, but rather than correcting me when he felt I was inaccurate with my assessment, he was able to steer the conversation in such a way that I was able to gleam new understanding from the topic we were discussing. I like him. I was very drawn to him and I enjoyed spending that hour chatting with him. We did not exchange contacts nor names, yet I don't feel a twinge of wistfulness that I may never see him again. Rather, I'm inspired by his quietness that is charismatic at the same time. I realize that you do not need to be an energetic extrovert to draw people to you.

There is definitely this thing between me and German men. From Benjamin at university, Clemence at work, to my all time favorite sportsman, Michael Schumacher, German men have always attracted me. I can't figure if it's because I love how they think, or that their lovely thick brown hair and piercing blue eyes gets to me each time. Yeah, I can be awfully superficial. Heh.