Tucked away

Amidst the messages from friends of "Are you okay?", "What happened?", I did some thing surprising. I ignored them.

Don't be mistaken, I am not one to shy away from telling my story or to express how I feel, but I have chosen to shelf my feelings and thoughts this time. It is not because I worry about coming across weak, fragile, infantile or vaguely bordering the ridiculous. I did so because I am exhausted from having to feel.... to have this constant turmoil churning in my insides... I needed some kind of a shelter, a brief respite from letting everything eat me up inside out... I needed clarity.

And clarity I received. Tucking away this bit of myself, I came to this conclusion - Having feelings for someone is an inexplicable act. It is not about checking them boxes of what is a "catch". More often than not, the person has little redeeming qualities. He is nice because it suits him, not necessarily because he is a nice guy. But because of those times in your early acquaintance when he smiled at you or was sweet on you, you opened up your defenses and let him in. And you gave a little bit of yourself, thinking it was the "right" thing to do, to reciprocate. And you gave more of yourself, because you were kind and he needed help, or moral support... And you thought, "Wow, I must be special that he is leaning on me thus...". But you did this all of your own accord. He never openly asked for it, yet took all of it. You gave yourself for love, and with that understated understanding that any decent folk wouldn't accept your love if you weren't important.... Until one day, you realize it doesn't matter.

That's how everyone is, isn't it? They will never say no to anyone who willingly gives of themselves. It was my own foolishness to love, to care... To give huge heaps of money, effort and time. I did it on myself. And perhaps that is why I've chosen to tuck away anything that might make me feel. I can't guarantee that I will not inexplicably fall to my detriment and wound my heart, my soul, my spirit again. And... I'm not sure how many more times I can stand tough as the pain sears through me. So, because of that, I am choosing now to pretend that feelings, emotions... Well, these things... they do not exist for me.