Why I've stopped writing

Well.... in huge part it is because of writer's block. There are no excuses, but writing those two papers for the enrichment course has taken its "toil" on me. It has gotten me into research paper writing mode, making me use very dry and long sentences that do not make sense! :-) So, yes, I have just not been in a mood to write about my feelings in a personal way.

I'm also putting my abstinence from alcohol during Lent as a reason to why I've stopped writing. My personal demons have not stopped ravaging me, but I'm less inclined to write about them when I'm not lubricated from the truth serum of alcohol. But, honestly, the main reason why I've stopped writing is the fear that I would turn this blog into a semi-religious blog. I started this blog to log all my personal highs and lows, to rant and rave when I wouldn't do so normally. So, I feel some what reserved about talking about my recent forays into religion to help quiet my soul.

Still, there have been a few conclusions that I have come to over this past fifty-odd days:

One - I do not need alcohol to feel the sadness in my soul. I wake everyday tormented and wondering how I might be a better person and give unreserved love. I also wake everyday tormented wondering if I might ever receive unreserved love from a man, a partner. There have been many love stories promoted in the media lately, "The Wedding Affair" being one of them, and some of these stories are truly touching. I wish all of them the best, and I also wake each day trying hard to believe God will provide.

Two - I am indeed a very lucky person. I technically do not need to work to live. I am financially taken care of. I have the best parents one could dream of. My mom is a best friend, sister and mom all mashed into one. This is a fortune for me to be born into, and I should thank all my lucky stars to have this privilege.

Three - While I know that life is but a small fraction of eternity, it doesn't stop me from wishing with my whole heart that this small fraction of time is good and fulfilling. I'm still in two minds as to what it means to have a life that is fulfilling. Philosophy promises fulfillment only when you fulfill other people's desire and not yours. I have been trying hard to put others before myself, but yet invariably fall victim to the selfish pangs of "why doesn't he/she care about me?". Perhaps I've not immerse myself fully into being totally charitable... We'll see. Maybe in a year's time when things become clear (either way), I would be writing about how silly I am now.

As it is, I'm a work in progress. And, life is okay. My beliefs provide me some brief respite from my sufferings - physically and emotionally... But, I'm hoping that I'll overcome this hurdle soon. While I AM getting by, I'll rather be in a better place, you know?