Why I've deactivated my facebook account...

... because I have absolutely no control over the photos of moi that gets posted on facebook. Especially ugly photos of me with double chins and what-nots.... While I might be kind of cruising in life and seemingly unperturbed with what's going on, at this present moment, I cannot afford bad photos of myself to be circulating within my social circle.

The best step I could take was to deactivate the account. I will wait for the moment in time when facebook wisens up to the fact that friends can post "incriminating" (well, at least for me it's ugly photos, but there is no stopping someone from posting photos of another person cheating or doing very unbecoming acts) photos of another and puts a stop to that. Seriously....

Quiet times

I'm suffering from writer's block, which can only mean one thing. My life is plain sailing. Well, that sounds almost too positive. The truth is, there is nothing seriously disturbing me at this moment (which is good), and there is nothing making me jump around for joy (which isn't a bad thing either). I'm almost beginning to think that happiness is overrated. I'm perfectly happy living a quiet life where nothing causes me major annoyance, pain or sadness. (I note that I used the word happy in the previous sentence.)

Yesterday, while I was in the mist of my volunteer work, I met a really nice man. He's German and has such a simple and polite air about him. He asked some interesting questions with regards to the work I was doing, and I couldn't help but like his quiet intelligence. He was definitely more knowledgeable than I was, but rather than correcting me when he felt I was inaccurate with my assessment, he was able to steer the conversation in such a way that I was able to gleam new understanding from the topic we were discussing. I like him. I was very drawn to him and I enjoyed spending that hour chatting with him. We did not exchange contacts nor names, yet I don't feel a twinge of wistfulness that I may never see him again. Rather, I'm inspired by his quietness that is charismatic at the same time. I realize that you do not need to be an energetic extrovert to draw people to you.

There is definitely this thing between me and German men. From Benjamin at university, Clemence at work, to my all time favorite sportsman, Michael Schumacher, German men have always attracted me. I can't figure if it's because I love how they think, or that their lovely thick brown hair and piercing blue eyes gets to me each time. Yeah, I can be awfully superficial. Heh.

Hong Kong at 37 degrees celsius

It was sweltering. But if you were indoors you would never have guessed that. I was alternating between freezing cold (the buildings cranked up the A/C to the extent that I had to carry a cardigan with me in my bag) and dripping with perspiration (each time I ventured out of one mall into the next). It definitely didn't bode well for the sore throat that I had been afflicted with the entire week.

But, it was a good weekend. Short and sweet. I was good and limited myself only to sales items and clothing. No shoes or bags! It was great getting out of Singapore for a bit and hanging out with friends that I am comfortable with, and know I can rely on. That's the only way to travel. There were times when I came across some thing that would remind me of LC or HB. While fingering linens at Lane Crawford a wave of nostalgia hit as I remembered the last time I was there, we were buying linens for HB. But, it is easy to shrugged it all off. Nostalgia is of the past, and although there are some nice memories, the moments have passed.

I met up with some old classmates and they asked if I was married. For the first time in a long while, I unabashedly said "no". I still long for love, but I shan't be apologetic about being single. Life is good and as long as I act justly, love tenderly and humbly walk with God, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Restless

I've been feeling very restless this past week. Twiddling fingers and tapping my feet, as if I'm waiting for some thing to happen. It's completely weirding me out because I'm not expecting anything to happen. So why all this impatience?

I've also been watching too many crappy, ridiculous sappy romantic comedies/tragedies on TV lately. 27 dresses, Must love dogs, Catch and release, In her shoes, Atonement, Becoming Jane etc... What do I hope to achieve with all that? It's like watching natural disasters or train wrecks in the news. I am knowingly jaded and rolling my eyes at the portrayals of "love" in the entertainment industry (and would rather not subject myself to this rubbish), yet I am unable to a advert my eyes and I'm glued to the set.

Perhaps I'm restless because I'm trying to fathom where Hollywood gets its inspiration from. I think I am secretly hoping that I would eventually experience such naive and youthful notions of love. Maybe, just maybe.

Some thing to hold fast to

What is good has been explained to you, man;
this is what Yahweh asks of you:
only this, to act justly,
to love tenderly
and to walk humbly with your God.

- Micah 6:8

A reading for today that means a whole world to me.

Can't participate for lack of experience

Being in my thirties also mean the bulk of my friends are in their thirties. Thirties is a decade when folks settle down and have children. Just the last couple of years, all but a handful few of my friends have gotten married. I have three weddings to participate in this year, and this afternoon I got a call from an old friend who gave me news of the birth of his son. I was surprised and happy but could only manage a "Congrats!". I didn't know what else to say and we ended to conversation a little awkwardly.

This got me thinking about my reaction. Was my lack of joyous participation due to the fact that I was envious of their situations? Or was there some thing more behind my apathy? I first addressed any jealousy I could possibly be feeling. In reality, if they're my friends (I don't have many I consider real friends), I couldn't ever be jealous of them. Sure, acquaintances, yes. Especially those I think completely unworthy (not that they are, but I just feel that way. Bad of me. But anyway.). But with my friends, that's not the sensation I get when I hear the good news. If anything, the only thought that goes through my head is "Darn, she's not going to be able to be there for me if I catch sight of a monstrous cockroach flying about my apartment". Haha. So why my lack of enthusiasm on hearing the news?

I blame it on the lack of experience. I remember when I was 24 and it was new year's eve. My girlfriend got proposed to at the party and all of us didn't know how to react. I mean, it wasn't unexpected but she was the first and I think the poor girl didn't understand why we weren't jumping for joy the way she was doing. Over the years, as each girl got engaged, the enthusiasm increased. I noticed that the most recent one was fuelled by all those married girls. She was joining their ranks and they were welcoming them into the party. It is the same for baby announcements. No one knew how to respond to the birth of the first child amongst our group, but as the ranks swelled, the kids parties got larger and it became the norm versus some thing novel.

I am so very happy for my dear friends who have settled down and started families. While I have the sweetest niece and a loving nephew, it cannot substitute the experience of truly living with a man and having your own children. I am beginning to feel afraid that my lack of experience means that I am no longer on the same wavelength as my friends. And, it's starting to show. Can I do anything about it? I will do all I can to participate (save wearing a saree for a friend's wedding) and be supportive. I hope that my lack of perspective will be overlooked or forgiven. Am I upset by this change of situations? No, not really. I have made peace with who I am. Everything happens for a reason and at the right timing. If my friendships become distant for this moment because our lives aren't in sync, so be it. Life can be short or long, an uphill battle or a speedy cruise. I will savour each moment and move on. C'est la vie!

I'm an old fashion girl

This past week has been eventful. I passed my final test for the course I was taking earlier this year. While I was contemplating taking it a step further by completing an academic degree on that subject (thus possibly beginning a whole new career far from the business world), I got a call from an executive search firm asking if I will consider going back to the workforce and joining them. It was unexpected. It was totally tempting. They are a "bulge bracket" search firm and will offer me money and prestige. I had a few sleepless nights thinking about it, but I realize that my life has moved on. Yes, I still like the idea of being called upon and even more so when it's been at least three years since I last talked to them. I am flattered they still remember me. But it's no longer me. I am no longer thrilled by the executive lifestyle that I once thought glamorous. Now, I want the time to indulge in the other aspects of life and attempt things that I may not be good at but like doing. I want to have the time to do community and charity work and to volunteer at church. I want to be able to go for an evening run in the park when the sun is still shining. I want to be able to stay up late at night without feeling guilty. All my "wants" need time and that is some thing the confines of an executive job can't give. I realize that as much as I grew up in the modern world, at the ripe age of 33, I'm an old fashion girl who does not feel the trills of the opportunities of the corporate world. I'm an old fashion girl and I'm not shy to admit that my ideal life is that of a stay-home mum with kids running around.

Continuing on the thread of old-fashion-ess, I will have to say upfront that I'm not OK with some of the choices my dear friend, F, has chosen with regards to relationships recently. It is not urban or modern of me to feel this way. We now live in a free society and anyone can choose to do what pleases them. I love my dear friend, but that doesn't mean that I will be in agreement with everything she does. There are things that are right and wrong in my old fashion conscience, and the hard part for me is striking a balance between understanding the choice she has made (I understand) and condoning it. It is especially hard because I don't want to push her away because of my opinions either. I remember reading a story of a dad, who drove his son away because he didn't condone his son's gambling habits. The dad regretted driving away his son, but did not regret his stance against gambling. And, he wished that instead of being so harsh, he should have worked together with his son to get rid of the gambling habit. It's not the best analogy, but I realize that it is what I have to do. I have to thread carefully and hope that some how she will come around and hold fast to her those true and time tested age old traditions. After all, there is nothing wrong with being old fashioned. If these values have lasted this long, it can't be bad.

Ever the tennis fan....

I love David versus Goliath battles. And, what better way to spend the evenings watching Zheng Jie at 5 ft 4 inches battling against 6 ft tall ladies? I'm not forgetting the sublime Ms. Justine Henin (she's in a class of her own in my humble opinion) who at 5 ft 5 quelled many a giant, but seeing the performance from China's doubles grand slam champion, I almost feel as if she's achieving the impossible.

What a sight it is to see her battling on and never giving up. I will say that she loses on pure talent, but wins on determination. And, this year's Wimbledon is a battle of wills more than anything else. How else does one explain the top seeds dropping off like flies? So, I'm going to root for Little-Miss-Zheng and hope that her desire to stick around will give her some hope against two time champ, Serena Williams. I'm also betting that Mr-Biceps-Nadal will win the Gentlemen's title unless Complete-Player-Mr-Federer seriously ups his determination and hunger. We all know he has more than enough talent to beat everyone to a pulp, but does he truly truly want it like he did in 2003? I hope so. While both men are devilishly handsome in their own way, my OCD-ness means than I have to favor the guy with shorter hair. Maybe if Nadal goes the way of Agassi in 1995 when he shaved his head, that could be the tilting point for me.... Spanish, dark, handsome, muscular guy with short hair... Gorgeous.... Heh.

Mismatched values

From a young age, my mom has been an avid gemstone and jewellery collector. I think this came about because grandma died when my mom was three and she inherited grandma's jewellery collection. Mom told me that whenever she felt sad or lonely (she was sent away to stay with my great-grandparents because grandpa didn't know how to singlehandedly bring up a child), she would open up the jewellery box and finger the items there. I have to say that grandma had some amazing jewellery. Some were pure bling, like two diamond tennis bracelets, each consisting of a row of 1 carat diamonds. Some were more personal items like her gold hairpin in intricate Chinese design that she used for securing her long hair in a bun. That started mom's fascination with jewellery, and over the past fifty years she has collected a jewellery collection to rival that of grandma's.

I have been the lucky receipient of her obsession. There is the rare colombian emerald ring acquired in the 1960s when she was in England, which apparently is now impossible to get hold of or only if one is willing to fork out crazy sums for it. There is the regal looking tanzanite pendant flanked by double rows of diamonds in the preferred setting by European jewellers. And there is the "canary" fancy yellow diamond ring with the sweetest heart shaped diamonds on both sides of the diamond that makes my heart tingle that little bit when I set my eyes on it. I hardly ever wear any of this jewellery, preferring to keep them at the bank, but these gifts have also piqued my interest for gemstones. A little bit. What's more important to me though is that these gifts represent mom and her younger days, when her passion would drive her to travel across continents in the hunt for loose gems or vintage pieces. Each time she passed me one of those pieces, she would tell me of that particular trip she took to acquire it. Whenever I look at the jewellery, I am reminded of the various stories she told me.

So there, I think I have been spoilt jewellery wise. I'm kind of embarrassed by it. This evening a friend was telling me how another friend's husband was getting that friend a diamond ring that cost XX thousand as a present for giving birth to their first child. I realize how mismatched my values are when it comes to jewellery. Just last month, I did not hesistate to spend one and a half times more of that amount to replace a single earring I had lost six months ago. Like mom, I had justified it with the line "gemstones last two lifetimes". Golly, I sure know how to come up with excuses. Heheheh.