Yup. Dreams don't come true.

I guess I was asking too much for a fairly-tale kind of Saturday.

Nope, I didn't get asked out on a date of any kind. Honestly though, I'm kind of confused about "dating" these days. I'm obviously out of practice, 'cause I am clueless at reading men, especially men I have crushes on. But who can blame me? He has been giving me mixed signals. Either that, or I'm being a little too optimistic about my chances of snagging his feelings.

This is all too bewildering. See, after a chanced meeting recently, he called me the next day to ask me where he might buy wine glasses, only to turn it into a lunch date followed by some wine glass shopping. In my books, this indicates "some thing". After all, who would ask a silly question about buying wine glasses in Singapore when almost every department store stocks them? He followed the lunch date with a call the very next day asking me where to buy wine. Again, a silly question, but it was even more silly of me not to develop that avenue further by offering to go wine shopping with him. But never mind that. Still, I thought all of it positive. So, it is understandable that I was naturally disappointed that he claimed prior commitments the next couple of times I invited him to join me and some friends in some fun group activities.

I am particularly confused with the events that occurred on Saturday evening. I wasn't sure he was turning up at the wedding and when he didn't turn up by 8, I had assumed that I wouldn't have a chance to flirt with him. An old buddy of mine was starting to feel out of place being the only guy among our girl group and called him to ask if he was turning up. The answer was "Yes", but after a dinner celebrating his mom's birthday. So, when he called me at 9 asking me if I was still there and if the evening's activities were still in progress, I was rather pleased. This sense of pleasure was compounded by my friends who felt that it was obvious "who" he was turning up at this late-ish hour to see.

He turned up at 10, sat next to me at my table and was slightly concerned that guests were leaving. But, we had a pretty lively table and with excellent conversation flowing all round, there was a sense of renewed energy. We were in close proximity with one another, with knees and shoulders touching, and that bit of peering over one another's shoulders as we looked at photos taken by a friend's camera. When my two gal friends decided to call it a night at half-11, he didn't want to hang out (alone) with me despite one of them suggesting that he should stay and catch up with me. His reply to her comment was "I have! I saw her two weeks ago". Talk about a blow to the stomach. In another attempt to get the two of us together, she suggested dinner next week but he shrugged and said that he'll be out of town. Double blow. Bah humbug.

Only when it hits home

This year's President's Challenge beneficiaries include several charities and organizations that take care and assist those who are intellectually disabled and with special needs. As the annual star charity fund raising will be held in a week's time, I have caught several television info-slots and programs that reach out asking for assistance and understanding.

I have never paid much attention to these events. They have been held for several years, but I have conveniently let it slide away from my consciousness. For the past couple of weeks, as I watched these programs, I am reminded that these disabilities suffered by those with special needs are lifelong. These disabilities will continue past maturity where they will be compounded by old age. As I see scenes of these older folks coping through the difficulties and at times doing so while smiling, I feel very humbled. What we take for granted in our day to day life are often obstacles for them. Yet, they are able to get through each day. Some times they do it with more grace than I do.

So why am I more mindful of their plight this year? I am no saint and I admit that it is due to this little bundle of joy that is my nephew. He turned one in August, and he has Down's syndrome. As I hold on to him, I'm aware of how seemingly small he is. He is much smaller than babies his age and is hard of hearing. When he gets a little older and bigger and stronger, he'll undergo a procedure(s) to sort out the various health issues he has. I will not equate his plight to that of those I have seen or read recently in the run up to the star charity event. However, I will say that I am in a better place to empathize. I know my family and I are very lucky in having the finances to be in the position to ensure that his medical needs are attended to. We're very lucky to be able to learn how to assist him. And, most of all, we're lucky to have the sweet kid smile and laugh and stick out his arms for a hug each time we're near him.

The gender issue

I have been contemplating this whole idea of the gender issue for a while. The U.S. has legalized same sex marriages, and yes, I'm seeing a lot more people of the same sex getting together and having good relationships.

So why is it that I still feel that some thing's not right? To be honest, I never thought too much about same sex relationships when I was younger. At 16, I moved to London to a music school and one of the teachers I respected was gay. He was a kind man. And, very helpful to new students from Asia, like myself. I would see him kiss his partner goodbye each morning when the guy dropped him off at school. It was kind of strange. But, you know, I was a musician then. It would be terribly wrong of me to think twice about two men kissing one another.

I am not here to condemn same sex relationships. I appreciate that two beings are able to form a connection with one another, to love one another. But, for me, the more I am exposed to same sex relationships, the more I question it. I question it because it is who I am. I've lived a life of pure emotion. I have committed fully to close friends and family. I know what it is to have an emotional bond with a friend of the same sex and I feel confident enough to say that what we have cannot be replicated. I have been there for a friend through good times and bad. And, some very very bad times indeed, plus more times of disapproval than could be imagined. But we have stuck together through thick and thin, and I know no matter what, we're bonded for life. Are we dating? Interestingly enough, we concluded that if we were to ever date, our personalities would drive one another up the wall. But beyond that, despite all the midnight confessions, we have never needed to turn to one another sexually. Which is why I don't believe in same sex relationships. A soul mate is some thing on its own. I thank my lucky stars each and everyday to have this blessing of a best friend that is my soul mate. Will she have an emotional connection with an amazing man that I could never be a part of? Of course! And, I would never begrudge that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that emotional connections are one thing. We should all be glad and happy that there are people we can relate to, people that mean some thing. A desire to start a family and developing familial responsibilities can be and often are completely separate issues. It does not mean the commitments aren't equally deep, but they're just different commitments. I for one will not go against nature. So unless we evolve to become unisex creatures, I will not and cannot accept that two same sex folks are family ready or sexually ready. It isn't about me having gender issues. It just boils down to nature. For all those that think this is a stupid reason, well, seriously, Mother Nature never lies. Grow up.