What is lost will be reflected back whole again

A blood-red moon.

A beautiful phenomena that occurs so rarely when Earth casts off the blue spectrum of the Sun's rays into infinite space, leaving behind the red ones left to travel towards the moon and reflect back to us. This occurrence is the third one in ten years, and combined with the recent volcanic ash activity, we are gifted a rich blood-red stained moon.

Many cultures view it as a bad omen. Me, I see it more as a reflection of life, something that haunts me... colors that belonged as part of the same rays are separated by an obstacle too big to avoid... one part is infinitely lost, leaving the lone survivor to traverse on and reflect in anguish.

There are so many good things happening to me now. Yet I feel incredibly isolated whilst surrounded by people who love and care about me. I prefer solitude, perhaps in acknowledgement that what makes me whole has been lost to an eternity of endlessness. I am that lone survivor reflecting in anguish.

But a small part of me... a teeny tiny part of me hopes... like anything that was one part of a whole knows... A sense that what is lost... isn't.... It is out there waiting to return. As destined it was one once, what is lost will be reflected back whole again.

Futile

"There was a hint in it of laughter, but of a laughter more terrible than any sadness - a laughter that was mirthless as the smile of the Sphinx, a laughter cold as the frost and partaking of the grimness of infallibility. It was the masterful and incommunicable wisdom of eternity laughing at the futility of life and the effort of life."

White Fang, Jack London

Only when you give it a chance

Tomorrow will be my last full day in London. I am reminded that I would travel back here many more times but I still feel a sense of loss. If I put these 3 months together with the rest of the time I lived here, it would amount to 7 years. Yet this trip is special. Because it belongs to me and me only - not like when I was in college and there was a huge community or when I was working here and living with LC. They were amazing times, but this feels more intimately "me".

Hmm... to explore London, to walk the small lanes, sit in those tiny gardens alone... To find the small things that make the place unique to me... I think I understand why I call this place home. It is not because I know everything there is about the city, but that the city affords me a certain peace. It never makes me feel like I don't belong.

Being here brings me back to the time when I was 12, when everything was ok. It is a very special feeling that can't be explained. Most people view London with disdain, but when you experience the quiet that is London, presented to those that give it time, you will be rewarded.

Like with everything, you need to give it chance. Do not expect to be wowed or impressed for those things flash away and never last. It is what you spend effort knowing, understanding and loving that will be rewarded. After all, nothing good comes at the snap of the fingers. The only heartwarming things come when you give it a chance.

Best of the rest

"So among all the places you went to these 3 months, where did you enjoy traveling to most?"

"Without a doubt, the long weekend in Paris."

"Why?"

"Well, I haven't been there for 15 years... plus, do you know what it is like to bare your soul to someone, and receive no judgements, only acceptance? I found that with him. It was as if a light shone through my stained glass of stories...I thought I made it apparent in my official blog? "

"So how come nothing happened with him???"

"Because I'm not one to try anything with a guy who's attached."

"Wait. He went with you to Paris when he's got a girlfriend???"

"Yeah."

"Wait. You went with him to Paris when he's got a girlfriend???"

"That's HIS problem isn't it? Besides I only found out when he fessed up there."

"So how?"

"Well, we'll see... patience in the heart right?"

Being alone... and an epiphany from a rabbi...

There must be something about being a girl alone. Like the other day in front of National Gallery, where an old man asked if I was OK because I looked pensive. I was actually there with someone who was sketching away, but I smiled and shook my head. And then there was the other time at a cafe when a Scot-American started chatting with me. He was lovely. He was an ex-fund manager that is now managing a small theatre in LA. I had tons of fun talking to him about art in the UK and in California.

And there was today. When I was seated quietly at one corner of another coffee joint, an elderly man with another male companion suddenly turned to me and asked "Are you OK my child? You look sad." I smiled, but could feel tears forming at the corners of my eyes and he continued "We have lots of time if you want to talk." He continued asking me questions, and I felt compelled to answer. A waitress looked at me to see if she should intervene but I was able to indicate otherwise.

It turns out he is a rabbi. And I poured my soul out. From how I felt I had ventured far from my own faith, to how I was emptied. I didn't know how to continue being myself, because I was hurt each and every time I cared and invested every effort I could muster. I didn't want to be petty, I didn't want to keep anything back for myself. But I felt that if I continued the way I was I would die of pain and hurt.

And he said, "You love. It is the most elusive thing in the world. It is obvious your circumstances allow you to give love so freely and so openly. It is a gift. I could tell from your smile earlier that there was a light about you. Don't stop. No one can extinguish that light. Keep on loving, even though it hurts."

"It's what makes you special.."

Under the darkened skies...

You sneak into my room past midnight....

Our gazes catch and you slide beside me. Our tongues touch, softly and then tangle in wild abandonment.

We hear noises of drunken louts staggering through the corridors but it does not distract us from peeling each piece of clothing from the others' body deliberately.

And then it is quiet except for our quickened breaths on one another. As you touch me I gasp. I take you in my mouth. We pleasure one another and our murmurs spur us on and on, spiraling us into oblivion.

You stay with me till 4am before you go back to your room.

I wait for you to come by tomorrow, as you always do... Our secret. Our intense fling.

Dance Dance Dance

A sudden memory brings me back to Fabric... of waiting till 2am before we head there for the best DJs...

Of converse (or prada sports) shoes... of beats... bass and deep beats... of hopping and jumping... of an amazing rave party...

London... I am coming.

Why it is called lovemaking

Met up with T last night and we started discussing if my recent posts made me sound like a slut.

There is no doubt that I am comfortable with my sexuality, and I can understand why some people might term me one. But what if I'm married, and still open and comfortable with being sexual?

I have never thought of sex as a means to an end. It is a sensory connection, of touch that speaks of words that do not need to be voiced out. It is about getting close and pulling down barriers. After all, it is not called lovemaking without reason...

And no... suggestive words and visuals in my writing do not make me a slut. They only indicate that I have a vivid imagination. C'est tout.

Naked.

The minute I close the door I kick off my shoes and place my keys on the ledge next to the wall. One hand begins to unbutton the top of my dress as I move towards the living room. I place my bag on the old leather armchair and shrug out of the dress.

I catch myself smiling at how you used to love watching me do this daily routine each day when I get home. Except you're no longer around. I stand naked and bare as the twilight breeze brushes past.

I cling on to your body...

Your skin on mine, I breathe in your scent. Our tongues touch in a kiss. Did I ever tell you how sweet your tongue tastes? I wonder if mine tastes of honey to you...

But that's just fleeting... True intimacy is fingers grazing, then intertwining... laughing over the smallest things... holding on innocently... teasing the other... nuzzling the nape... silent gazes... and comfortable closeness.

That's what I want. That's what I've always wanted. And I need to cling on to that, not all these fleeting moments.

when you prepare for the worst

good things some how happen....

I was derailed, at a low point for a good many months. And, the moment I decided enough was enough... well, more like come to terms with the situation, things have never looked better.

But it will not derailed my London plans.... I'm headed there in October to check out how I'll spend time there in 2011. My London/Europe sojourn is a year late. I was to be there now as we speak, but I waited, I waited on a guy to my big mistake. No more. No more.

Funny thing is that just when I'm looking forward to running off to London, everything falls sweetly into place here.

It wasn't fun without me around

How ridiculous is that statement?

I was supposed to meet up with my church buddies for drinks tonight at "ba baaa black sheep", but a last minute emergency at home kept me from joining. I felt really guilty because they had arranged it such that it was convenient for me, although one couple was visiting from Indonesia and truth be told their schedules were a lot tighter than mine. An hour ago, I sent my apologies and asked how the evening had panned out. Apparently it was an early night. AK's exact text message to me was "Not much fun tonight. The guys were the ones drinking and of cos it's not much fun for them to drink without you around. Heh. We left early."

Not much fun for them to drink without me around? Huh? Since when did men have difficulties having fun chugging beers all by themselves? Hmmmm... I'm seriously doubting the positives to that statement. It unreservedly links me to fun and alcohol. I like the fun part. I mean, who doesn't like being considered fun to hang around with... I just hope it's fun not only when there's alcohol involved. Help.

-------

Sep 16, 2010

Just found out why they wanted to have me there... I bought drinks the previous time we were silly together, and like good boys, they wanted to return the favor. I'm actually kind of touched. I'm so used to always treating everyone to drinks and dinners etc (well, I don't mind 'cause it's not that huge an extravagance for me, and I like everyone to be happy eating and drinking), that when people want to treat me, it feels really really nice...

Weird weekend

1) J got married on Saturday! And it was a teary affair the afternoon before. We hugged, teared and she thanked me for being her friend and apologized for not having been there for me much these past few years. We had been growing distant and I had been sad about that. It touched me that she knew and cared enough to tell me how much I still mean to her.

2) L came by to talk to me at the wedding dinner and I cannot fathom why I dated him for a full 18 months and even believed I loved him. Thankfully, I never once declared him to be a great love and I always felt that he never occupied my heart the same way others have or had. But seriously, we have zero things in common. He asked me to keep in touch, which I nodded my head to. But why?? I mean, I don't hate him one bit. In fact, I'm glad that things are great for him. It's just that I have zero interest in him, even as a person. Oh dear. An ex-boyfriend whom I now feel the same way about as any stranger on the street. I feel almost heartless here, but I did have a tinge of guilt seeing him walk away disappointed.

3) Never underestimate the power of a killer dress and curls. Seriously. I don't know why I had so much male attention at the dinner. Men are so superficial. Although, I was incredibly pleased when M (yes, that M that I was majorly pining for last year) suggested that we meet up for dinner soon as we kissed goodbye. I know it can't be the killer dress 'cause he was around the entire wedding weekend, including Friday rehearsal when I turned up looking worse for wear after a late-night fight with JC, and he was very sweet on me. Hurm... but he's dating someone else now... Men... tsk tsk.... You ignore them and they just can't get enough of you. But then again, it's M! He's on this year's "50 men we love" list on a local magazine. No way I'll say no to dinner.

4) I got into a fight with JC. It was senseless. It was frustrating. I do not feel guilty about expressing how I feel. It is who I am. Plus I spoke the truth. However, I do feel guilty about saying some things there were definitely not my place to say. But it doesn't matter. I should not have said anything because friendship is given, not taken. I cannot take what I'm not given.

Waiting to expire....

I had always thought I would be excited about being a part of J's wedding. I think 5 years back, when she was almost engaged to Z, I was. We were in New York at Pastis planning what the wedding would be like, wondering what our kids would look like, and if they would enjoying playing with one another.

J's getting married next week. And all the politics with this person and the other person is getting a little to me. Weddings shouldn't be this complicated, should it? Of course, time has a way of changing things. My priorities and J's have grown apart over the 5 years, but we try to hold on to what was the time of our lives, even though it is often a failure. The last time we had fun together was while writing out those wedding invites. Her fiancee was out of town then, and I cannot help but wonder if perhaps that means something?

It doesn't matter anyhow. It's all about a passage of time.... Everything happens for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... What is mine and J's fate? Only time can tell.... Although at the back of my mind, I'm just waiting for it to expire...

Looking out

Feeling no different from seven years ago.

Sitting by the window, looking out, hoping something good will happen. A different place, a different window. The same wish.

Sad, pathetic? Or just the knowledge and experience of what life is?

Probably, one of my most honest posts in a long while.

Girls (ok, maybe it's "I") just wanna have fun

Seriously, people are way too obsessed with me getting married.

I'm not looking to marry. It's so out of context, its like "?!?!". See, it's been a while that I've connected with a man intimately on a emotional, mental and sexual level, and when that happens I'll like to enjoy this connection. I want to have fun and live in that moment. I want to enjoy spending time with the guy exploring the world, or simply what home offers. I want to live life and fall in love and not feel that I'm wasting precious time together thinking about whether the guy is a suitable husband or to plan some ridiculous future together.

I may be a free spirit, but don't people just fall in love anymore?

Everything in its time

Laughing my ass off with a pal and recounting horrific tales old and new....

Blardy insomnia from all the oxygen ingested, breaths gasped, hip-cups endured. Yes, but above it all, thanks for the only thing that mattered...

"Everything in its time."

A silhouette in the dark

As I stand at the corridor smoking my cigarette, I notice a dark shadow beneath my favorite tree. It is a man sitting by the curb. He sits so still it takes me a moment to realize that it isn't a shadow cast from the tree, but that of a Bangalore construction worker sitting and contemplating the passing traffic.

I wonder what he is thinking. He is all alone. He has no friends. The working conditions for Bangalore workers here are appalling, but he is doing this to aid his family back home. He is perhaps doing this so that his family can transcend their caste that they were born into. And, as I see him sit quietly, and so alone, I cannot help but feel the longing he has in his soul, his spirit to be with his love ones... that he might not see his love for another 5 years, that maybe she will forget him. Or that their love will stand the test of time, because it is one borne out of real bonds. I don't know. I can only speculate.

But as I look on, I can't help but feel incredibly small. Weak. That I am suddenly feeling a longing, a missing for someone... someone that I haven't spoken to for only a few days. Strange. But yes, I miss him.

Revelation from a friend

You know, "I love you" is a sentence that is always taken out of context. When and if I say "I love you" to my girlfriend(s), I really mean that they have touched me some how, to a certain level. It is not a promise of any kind. I can't promise that I will always love her, that I will not do callous things, that there will not be any difficulties or that I will be there for her. All I'm saying is that they have touched my heart and for that mean something to me, however small it may be, for the rest of my life.

How true.

Looking back, Looking forward

My last vacation marked the beginning of a new chapter. It marked a season of disappointment. Now, when I look back to the moment where I was at, packing my luggage last year, I realize how naive I was about so many things.

Perhaps it was a mistake on my part and I let my emotions get the better of me. I wanted to see where my immediate feelings would lead me to. I had no idea what would happen, I had only wanted to explore the sensations that were coursing through my skin, my brain and... my heart.

I didn't believe in posturing then. I still don't. It's not my nature to play games or strategize. What you see is what you get. No one else. I cannot begin to fathom why the world prefers to hide beneath layers of forgeries, of fake emotions, while shunning all that is real. The pain cuts deep.

So here I am, embarking on 2010's vacation. I have the cutest fedora to wear with my sundresses on this Baltic Sea cruise. I'm going back to Europe where I've always felt at home. The feeling of going home is comforting. But beyond comfort, I'm strangely hopeful. At the pit of my gut, I feel this trip marks a new beginning. A new beginning of acceptance...

I promise, this will be the last I write about the disappointments of the past year. I've had enough looking back. Onward, I say. The air reeks of promise.