What is lost will be reflected back whole again

A blood-red moon.

A beautiful phenomena that occurs so rarely when Earth casts off the blue spectrum of the Sun's rays into infinite space, leaving behind the red ones left to travel towards the moon and reflect back to us. This occurrence is the third one in ten years, and combined with the recent volcanic ash activity, we are gifted a rich blood-red stained moon.

Many cultures view it as a bad omen. Me, I see it more as a reflection of life, something that haunts me... colors that belonged as part of the same rays are separated by an obstacle too big to avoid... one part is infinitely lost, leaving the lone survivor to traverse on and reflect in anguish.

There are so many good things happening to me now. Yet I feel incredibly isolated whilst surrounded by people who love and care about me. I prefer solitude, perhaps in acknowledgement that what makes me whole has been lost to an eternity of endlessness. I am that lone survivor reflecting in anguish.

But a small part of me... a teeny tiny part of me hopes... like anything that was one part of a whole knows... A sense that what is lost... isn't.... It is out there waiting to return. As destined it was one once, what is lost will be reflected back whole again.

Husband or Lover?

Crossroads.

I never thought that when I prayed for someone to love and cherish me, I'll be thrown three men who are definitely looking to settle down, who seriously scare me a tad bit when they look at me. I want someone I want to love and cherish me. While those blokes are good lads and make sense on paper, I don't know if I'm quite there yet. I don't know if I want them.

Yet, it feels like an opportunity to be grasp. Can love be quantified as an opportunity though? They would make great husbands.... A lover? To me? I don't know.

I know it sounds completely selfish to say this, but I wish I didn't have these options. I know when I don't, I whine about the lack of options. But the emotional turmoil I've been in for the past few days has been overwhelming.

I need to stop exuding pheromones. For the third time in a week, a friend thrusts his tongue into my mouth as we said our goodbyes. I'm too polite to push him away. Actually, how does one react to being kissed by a friend whom one wants to keep?

Girls (ok, maybe it's "I") just wanna have fun

Seriously, people are way too obsessed with me getting married.

I'm not looking to marry. It's so out of context, its like "?!?!". See, it's been a while that I've connected with a man intimately on a emotional, mental and sexual level, and when that happens I'll like to enjoy this connection. I want to have fun and live in that moment. I want to enjoy spending time with the guy exploring the world, or simply what home offers. I want to live life and fall in love and not feel that I'm wasting precious time together thinking about whether the guy is a suitable husband or to plan some ridiculous future together.

I may be a free spirit, but don't people just fall in love anymore?

Revelation from a friend

You know, "I love you" is a sentence that is always taken out of context. When and if I say "I love you" to my girlfriend(s), I really mean that they have touched me some how, to a certain level. It is not a promise of any kind. I can't promise that I will always love her, that I will not do callous things, that there will not be any difficulties or that I will be there for her. All I'm saying is that they have touched my heart and for that mean something to me, however small it may be, for the rest of my life.

How true.

Cynical? No. Realistic? Yes.

J's sister is 22 years old, and a second year university student in Melbourne. She recently began a serious relationship with a guy who's also studying in the same school. Before she returned to Melbourne, she confided that she hoped that he was "The One". We both looked on incredulously on hearing this.

"Once you finish your studies and start working, your life is going to change so much. He's not going to be "The One"." J warned her sister. I tried to soften the blow by adding "Whatever happens, happens. Don't think so much about the future, just enjoy your relationship..."

When she left, I looked at J and wondered if we were too cynical for twenty-somethings. J laughed it off, and we proceeded to rehash some of our old relationship stories with one another like giggling teenagers over drinks.

When I got home, I thought about why I felt the way I did when J's sister made her innocent statement about hoping the guy was "The One". I don't think I'm so much cynical as I am realistic. I remember all too well the intense feeling of a youthful budding romance, what it is to lose myself with someone. Heck, I still do that at this age. But, what has changed is that I don't expect these feelings to translate into anything permanent. After all these years, I've come to realize that love is just love. Marriage is some thing completely different. Marriage is about practicality. Social circumstances, family, even religion all come into play. For those who want children, many of them marry people they think will be good fathers or mothers, and it may not be the person that they're most in love with. Of course without some amount of love, marriage would be impossible. But it doesn't fall on the same page as what someone means when they're talking about "The One". There are definitely exceptions, but they are few and far between. And, no, I do not believe that twenty-somethings in university will find "The One" when their own lives and personalities are not fully formed yet.

I think what disturbed me most was the idea that falling in love always has to translate into something permanent. Don't people just fall in love these days? To care for someone, regardless of what the outcome would be? Is love now about expectations? I would like to think that it is still possible to love without a care, and to just enjoy the ride. Is that too much to ask?

Yup. Dreams don't come true.

I guess I was asking too much for a fairly-tale kind of Saturday.

Nope, I didn't get asked out on a date of any kind. Honestly though, I'm kind of confused about "dating" these days. I'm obviously out of practice, 'cause I am clueless at reading men, especially men I have crushes on. But who can blame me? He has been giving me mixed signals. Either that, or I'm being a little too optimistic about my chances of snagging his feelings.

This is all too bewildering. See, after a chanced meeting recently, he called me the next day to ask me where he might buy wine glasses, only to turn it into a lunch date followed by some wine glass shopping. In my books, this indicates "some thing". After all, who would ask a silly question about buying wine glasses in Singapore when almost every department store stocks them? He followed the lunch date with a call the very next day asking me where to buy wine. Again, a silly question, but it was even more silly of me not to develop that avenue further by offering to go wine shopping with him. But never mind that. Still, I thought all of it positive. So, it is understandable that I was naturally disappointed that he claimed prior commitments the next couple of times I invited him to join me and some friends in some fun group activities.

I am particularly confused with the events that occurred on Saturday evening. I wasn't sure he was turning up at the wedding and when he didn't turn up by 8, I had assumed that I wouldn't have a chance to flirt with him. An old buddy of mine was starting to feel out of place being the only guy among our girl group and called him to ask if he was turning up. The answer was "Yes", but after a dinner celebrating his mom's birthday. So, when he called me at 9 asking me if I was still there and if the evening's activities were still in progress, I was rather pleased. This sense of pleasure was compounded by my friends who felt that it was obvious "who" he was turning up at this late-ish hour to see.

He turned up at 10, sat next to me at my table and was slightly concerned that guests were leaving. But, we had a pretty lively table and with excellent conversation flowing all round, there was a sense of renewed energy. We were in close proximity with one another, with knees and shoulders touching, and that bit of peering over one another's shoulders as we looked at photos taken by a friend's camera. When my two gal friends decided to call it a night at half-11, he didn't want to hang out (alone) with me despite one of them suggesting that he should stay and catch up with me. His reply to her comment was "I have! I saw her two weeks ago". Talk about a blow to the stomach. In another attempt to get the two of us together, she suggested dinner next week but he shrugged and said that he'll be out of town. Double blow. Bah humbug.

Some times it hurts to look back

I have been re-watching seasons 3 and 4 of Sex and the City. I'm watching these episodes to refresh my memory about the various stories as the Sex and the City movie follows on from what previously happened in the television series.

I have forgotten many of the stories. I have even forgotten how much it focused on love and heartbreak. At times it wasn't very pleasant watching those stories unfold as it only reminded me about my own relationships. It has also spurred me to go through some of the things I've kept; "relics" from my relationships. It was a bad idea. I should not have been tempted to look back.

It is never easy to let go. As I re-read old letters, I am brought back to the times when the sweetness of love overpowered reason. I doubt I will ever forget those moments. Perhaps one day soon, but right now I will just have to work through the pain of rehashing these memories.