Waiting to expire....

I had always thought I would be excited about being a part of J's wedding. I think 5 years back, when she was almost engaged to Z, I was. We were in New York at Pastis planning what the wedding would be like, wondering what our kids would look like, and if they would enjoying playing with one another.

J's getting married next week. And all the politics with this person and the other person is getting a little to me. Weddings shouldn't be this complicated, should it? Of course, time has a way of changing things. My priorities and J's have grown apart over the 5 years, but we try to hold on to what was the time of our lives, even though it is often a failure. The last time we had fun together was while writing out those wedding invites. Her fiancee was out of town then, and I cannot help but wonder if perhaps that means something?

It doesn't matter anyhow. It's all about a passage of time.... Everything happens for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... What is mine and J's fate? Only time can tell.... Although at the back of my mind, I'm just waiting for it to expire...

Looking back, Looking forward

My last vacation marked the beginning of a new chapter. It marked a season of disappointment. Now, when I look back to the moment where I was at, packing my luggage last year, I realize how naive I was about so many things.

Perhaps it was a mistake on my part and I let my emotions get the better of me. I wanted to see where my immediate feelings would lead me to. I had no idea what would happen, I had only wanted to explore the sensations that were coursing through my skin, my brain and... my heart.

I didn't believe in posturing then. I still don't. It's not my nature to play games or strategize. What you see is what you get. No one else. I cannot begin to fathom why the world prefers to hide beneath layers of forgeries, of fake emotions, while shunning all that is real. The pain cuts deep.

So here I am, embarking on 2010's vacation. I have the cutest fedora to wear with my sundresses on this Baltic Sea cruise. I'm going back to Europe where I've always felt at home. The feeling of going home is comforting. But beyond comfort, I'm strangely hopeful. At the pit of my gut, I feel this trip marks a new beginning. A new beginning of acceptance...

I promise, this will be the last I write about the disappointments of the past year. I've had enough looking back. Onward, I say. The air reeks of promise.

Crushes crush

Crushes crush. Meaning they're not real and typically hurt. Feelings not reciprocated. Well, I knew from the moment I realized I had those feelings, things wouldn't go anywhere. It would be too good to be true. I've never been with anyone I had real feelings for. Which, perhaps is the best thing possible. Better to be friends forever than for the inevitable crumble of emotional openness to occur when expectations come into play in a relationship.

Yup. Dreams don't come true.

I guess I was asking too much for a fairly-tale kind of Saturday.

Nope, I didn't get asked out on a date of any kind. Honestly though, I'm kind of confused about "dating" these days. I'm obviously out of practice, 'cause I am clueless at reading men, especially men I have crushes on. But who can blame me? He has been giving me mixed signals. Either that, or I'm being a little too optimistic about my chances of snagging his feelings.

This is all too bewildering. See, after a chanced meeting recently, he called me the next day to ask me where he might buy wine glasses, only to turn it into a lunch date followed by some wine glass shopping. In my books, this indicates "some thing". After all, who would ask a silly question about buying wine glasses in Singapore when almost every department store stocks them? He followed the lunch date with a call the very next day asking me where to buy wine. Again, a silly question, but it was even more silly of me not to develop that avenue further by offering to go wine shopping with him. But never mind that. Still, I thought all of it positive. So, it is understandable that I was naturally disappointed that he claimed prior commitments the next couple of times I invited him to join me and some friends in some fun group activities.

I am particularly confused with the events that occurred on Saturday evening. I wasn't sure he was turning up at the wedding and when he didn't turn up by 8, I had assumed that I wouldn't have a chance to flirt with him. An old buddy of mine was starting to feel out of place being the only guy among our girl group and called him to ask if he was turning up. The answer was "Yes", but after a dinner celebrating his mom's birthday. So, when he called me at 9 asking me if I was still there and if the evening's activities were still in progress, I was rather pleased. This sense of pleasure was compounded by my friends who felt that it was obvious "who" he was turning up at this late-ish hour to see.

He turned up at 10, sat next to me at my table and was slightly concerned that guests were leaving. But, we had a pretty lively table and with excellent conversation flowing all round, there was a sense of renewed energy. We were in close proximity with one another, with knees and shoulders touching, and that bit of peering over one another's shoulders as we looked at photos taken by a friend's camera. When my two gal friends decided to call it a night at half-11, he didn't want to hang out (alone) with me despite one of them suggesting that he should stay and catch up with me. His reply to her comment was "I have! I saw her two weeks ago". Talk about a blow to the stomach. In another attempt to get the two of us together, she suggested dinner next week but he shrugged and said that he'll be out of town. Double blow. Bah humbug.