Husband or Lover?

Crossroads.

I never thought that when I prayed for someone to love and cherish me, I'll be thrown three men who are definitely looking to settle down, who seriously scare me a tad bit when they look at me. I want someone I want to love and cherish me. While those blokes are good lads and make sense on paper, I don't know if I'm quite there yet. I don't know if I want them.

Yet, it feels like an opportunity to be grasp. Can love be quantified as an opportunity though? They would make great husbands.... A lover? To me? I don't know.

I know it sounds completely selfish to say this, but I wish I didn't have these options. I know when I don't, I whine about the lack of options. But the emotional turmoil I've been in for the past few days has been overwhelming.

I need to stop exuding pheromones. For the third time in a week, a friend thrusts his tongue into my mouth as we said our goodbyes. I'm too polite to push him away. Actually, how does one react to being kissed by a friend whom one wants to keep?

The problem about being good at what you do

This is the 9th week I've been serving in the ministry... The main responsibility of the team I'm in is to take minutes, notes for the lectures. We're tasked to turn colloquial ramblings into prose that is well organized and easily understood. It is no easy task. It is even harder when I pride myself never to turn in work that is subpar to what I'm accustomed to.

So I guess it's my fault really that out of the 9 weeks, I've been tasked to write up notes for 6 of them. My co-ordinator is very excited that she gets to work with 3 amazing note takers this year and despite her extraordinary praise of my work, I'm not pleased when she continually asks me to be the main point-person for each week's notes. There are 7 people in the team, so how does it work out that I've done 66% of all its work? Hah. It's come to the point where I'm getting very peeved and instead of bringing me closer to God, I seem cheesed off by the unfairness of it all. Of course, I'm supposed to make use of the gifts I've been gifted... But you know, I'm not sure if there is true equity in all of this.

This brings me back to the time when I was working at Capitaland. I will be first to admit it's an amazing company. It is a progressive and aggressive real estate firm with an almost international footprint. Still, I was put off when I, a manager, was given 4 projects to handle at one go when my colleagues who were the same level as me were only given 1. Yes, I was paid marginally more than them, but certainly not 4 times more. And, the real reason why I chose to work for them was that it was a real estate development firm. If I wanted to slog away and pull all nighters, I would have stuck on to investment banking.

Alas, that is the problem of being good at what you do. People naturally gravitate to you when they want some thing done. Oh crap.

Damn

After 3 full years of refraining from smoking, I'm back to this very bad habit. Fuck!

Why I've deactivated my facebook account...

... because I have absolutely no control over the photos of moi that gets posted on facebook. Especially ugly photos of me with double chins and what-nots.... While I might be kind of cruising in life and seemingly unperturbed with what's going on, at this present moment, I cannot afford bad photos of myself to be circulating within my social circle.

The best step I could take was to deactivate the account. I will wait for the moment in time when facebook wisens up to the fact that friends can post "incriminating" (well, at least for me it's ugly photos, but there is no stopping someone from posting photos of another person cheating or doing very unbecoming acts) photos of another and puts a stop to that. Seriously....

And, the good news is.....

Well, the results are out. I have degenerative spinal disc disease.

After hmm-ing and ahh-ing at my MRI pics and magnifying certain areas, doc turned to me beaming and said "The good news is that you don't need surgery!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Then, he pulled out my MRI pics again, and pointed to the lowest spinal disc. "See that disc has lost some of its filling and is a lot flatter than the other discs" doc said while pointing to the row of discs pictured next to my spine. I could see that it wasn't only flatter, it was black! Of course I had to ask why it was black. Apparently when the disc loses its "spongy" material, it appears a lot darker on the MRI. And this loss of sponge was giving me my aches as there was less support. Doc also pointed to how I had a diffuse disc bulge that could explain the hump on my lower back. The spinal discs are suppose to seat flush to the spine and not protrude on it, but well, mine was different. He didn't think it was of much concern though. The only hint of worry I detected was when he muttered that it was quite unusual for a girl my age to already have a degenerative disc.

So, I got myself a course of physiotherapy and an offer of some super strong painkillers, which I declined. I mean, there is pain, but it's really not that bad.... (Then again, it's a well known fact that we women are much better at bearing pain than men. I can so imagine a man groaning and writhing in pain. All my boyfriends laid in bed when they got their wisdom teeth pulled. I had to get my jaw chipped to remove my wisdom tooth that was embedded there while on local anesthetic and I still managed to go about my activities immediately after.) I also got myself an open appointment for the next two years. He packed me off with a "You're okay as long as the disc doesn't collapse and you get shooting pain going through your thighs". Seriously.... What does that mean? That I should be expecting a surgery within the next two years? Good grief. I guess I should be happy and thank my lucky stars that at this little moment I am all good to go and not think about what the future might bring. Hmm, the world could end tomorrow and this might never ever become an issue.

Bent double

Am now at mom's getting pampered cause I've got a case of bad back. For the past year, I have had pain in my lower back - well, not always, but I've had episodes peppered throughout the year. The ache has been pretty consistent the past couple of weeks though, and my back's pretty stiff. I have difficulty bending down to pick up any thing at and below knee level. I can't even bend to wear jeans. I've had to wear skirts over my head instead. So, early this week, I decided to organize and beg my way through an appointment with a popular orthopedic. I lucked out. Apparently someone cancelled an appointment, so nurse managed to squeeze me in for the today.

The wait was excruciating. I had to wait to get a wait number. I waited another 90 minutes before I saw the specialist's assistant. Luckily, I got ushered to see doc immediately after that. Then, I had to wait to make my payment. It didn't end there. I had to go to radiology and wait to make an MRI appointment, and then return to the doc's clinic to make a follow-up appointment. I finally got out after three-odd hours at the hospital. Phew.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I have very flexible ligaments which means that as I get older, there won't be enough "texture and rigidity" in my ligaments to support my bones and joints. So it is highly possible (because of this hereditary "ailment") that my back bone is pressing against my spinal disk. There is also the possibility of a slipped disk, which is some thing I don't really want to think about at this moment. Am a little scared cause I'll be doing my MRI soon and we'll know what it is then. Of course, silly me, I bought a four-inch pair of sexy heels just last week... Ermm, I doubt I'll be wearing that any time soon.

Engineering dates

We had a laugh this evening at all our lousy techniques and attempts to lure a girl/girl unto a date.

I confess to pretending to ask a guy out to watch a movie on the pretext that my friend had urgent matters to attend to and I didn't want to waste the ticket. Of course, in the modern age of internet online booking of tickets, this is an easy task. You could check if there are any tickets to the movie first and when the guy says yes, click and buy those tickets. If the guy isn't free, well, there's nothing to it but a bruised ego. Apparently this is an OLD trick. My friend tried that half a lifetime ago on a girl. Alas, it was pre-internet booking and those tickets he said he had, he didn't, and it was a sell out movie. Golly, I admire his bravery in admitting his lie. I know if it were me, I would have just stood the person up and then the next day tell her that I had been waiting at this other cinema the entire time. (It was pre-mobile phone days too, so much easier to get away with this kind of lie...heh...).

This got us talking about dating in general. I have never had a relationship with anyone I had a crush on. My previous boyfriends were friends who suddenly fell into the boyfriend category. I told them I don't remember ever having a guy "chase" me after newly knowing me. Of course I've been romanced. But it comes about after being good friends for a while, followed by the sudden realization that it could be some thing more.

While taking a shower just 10 mins ago I remembered RM, the Shangri-la scholar! I met him during the period when I was at music school in Guildford. He was studying hotel management at the affiliated University nearby. After that one meeting - I was attending one of the few gatherings for Singapore students in Guildford - he would turn up at my dorm every day. There would be the take-outs he would buy for me, although I told him not to. I just wasn't into him. The more he went on about having the means to take care of me, the more put off I became. And he did all these things without ever once asking me whether I wanted it or liked it. The last straw was when I was in London spending time with my brother, he called to tell me that he had bought tickets for Starlight Express and that I was to go watch it with him. I was like, hello?? I simply stood him up. My last encounter with him was his voice message telling me that he enjoyed the musical by himself. I never heard from him again. That's as close as I got to someone "chasing" me.